Welcome, gay NASCAR fans! Congratulations to our 2005 Cup Champion, Tony Stewart. The Cup was Tony's to lose going into Homestead, and he chose to hold on instead.
Going into the race, we held out hope that through almighty toothy goodness and got-to-have-it, Carl Edwards would win from the pole in some combination of events that would give him the Cup. I had already determined that, should this happen, I was going to go onto my front porch and ring the old cow-bell I keep near-round for such occasions! But like a continuation of the Clinton legacy of peace and prosperity, this dream was not to be.
Still, Carl and all our boys ran high and wide on Sunday. Many times when I marked the leaders, we had the one, the two, the three... the four, and the five! (During the off-season, I'm going out for a job commentating on a "gay wrestling fans" Web site I heard about. Its office is two towns over.)
At Homestead, we had six guys in the top 10! Way to race, dudes! Mark Martin darn nearly had it nailed but Biffle held it at the last. In the points, we finished out the season with Carl Edwards in 3rd (though he tied in points with Biffle for 2nd, Biffle took the spot based on wins, six to four) and Jeff Gordon in 11th.
That means Jeff will get to be on the stage at the Waldorf and will get the million-dollar bonus. What does Jeff need with a million dollars? Why I still say he's going to build a tiny town and populate it entirely with those adorable pooches from Erwin Pearl! Jamie McMurray finished 44 points in back of Jeff. Good race Jamie -- wait 'til next year!
The colors were presented Sunday by a group of our military folks just back from Iraq. I wish ALL of them that are there were back. Does Bush have to get "CRAZY" tattooed across his forehead before his last few supporters get a clue about what is going on here? Miss Florida USA Cristin Duren brought the invocation. Creed's Scott Stapp, the latest vocal talent to turn to NASCAR for a control-alt-delete, sang the National Anthem in a most growling, unpleasant manner. The start was commanded by Edsel Ford of the Ford Motor Co.
Handsome, wonderful Carl Edwards sat on the pole as we rolled off. The #22 of Scott Wimmer got loose and spun to bring out the first caution. (Scott would overcome this to finish 11th today -- not bad for a guy who just lost his ride.) But all eyes were on Jimmy Johnson, 2nd in the points, who had to swerve like a sonuvagun to miss the #22.
Brian "Wreck Monkey" Vickers and Denny Hamlin were not as lucky and got a taste. We restarted with Ryan in 1st and Carl in 2nd. Directly, here came Dave Blaney passing Carl! But just as Dave was passing Ryan for the lead, the caution came out when Kyle Busch had a flat right front and hit the wall. Tony Stewart stayed clean and clear of it.
When we restarted at lap 29, it was Ryan, Dave, Carl, Jeff and Kasey, oh yeah! At lap 43, Jeff was leading when Bobby Labonte got loose by himself and spun to bring out the caution. Carl took the lead back and was five seconds out in front by lap 73!
At this point, my pal Andy was telling me that the deer are so plentiful down at Lake Oconee in Greensboro, Ga., that the next big thing is figuring out what flowers and greenery they don't want to eat, then planting that! It's called deer-proof landscaping. People will find a way to make money off of anything!
The next caution came when David Stremme blew a right front and went ass-first into the wall; then Scott Riggs crashed. At lap 127, Jimmy Johnson's Cup hopes popped along with his right-rear tire. On the restart at lap 131, we our DeVine 9 1/2 OWNED the first-class section, as we rolled with Carl, Ryan, Jeff, Mark and Casey Mears! Tony was falling back like a loser; then the caution came out for debris. Ever wonder if there's a debris button they mash at times like this?
When we restarted at lap 193, it was all, like, Casey, Ryan, Carl, Jeff, Mark and Kasey up front! Woo-hoo! But Jeff forgot he's supposed to play pretty with the other 91/2 boys, and he mashed up on Ryan and gave him a tire rub. Bad Jeff! Bad!
With 45 to go we were in the fuel window to make it to the end, and Kasey got green flag pit stops underway. Casey got on the grass and nearly spun out coming down pit road. Mark stayed out and led, then came in, followed by Carl.
By the time we got down to 18 to go, Tony was the last car on the lead lap. Since Jimmy fell out, however, Tony's mathematical grip on the Championship was greatly increased. We had a caution with 16 to go: The #20 stayed out while the #99 gave up 3rd to come in, falling to 12th. We had a restart with 11 to go: The leaders were Dave, Mark, Casey and Biffle, while Ryan was 7th. Biffle took the lead with seven to go, and try as he might, Mark could not pass him.
I HEART MY NASCAR FRIENDS!
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